Forgiveness Project Part IV goes in unexpected direction

I have never been a baby person. My own babies were the only exception. I’m in a strange phase now. I physically ache when I see a baby. I want to run because it hurts. The chances of a baby from me surviving pregnancy are too tiny to risk the battering of my body. It has had enough, and so has the rest of me. I dream about more children anyway.

My brain has informed my heart about reality. I am working to get rid of every single baby thing we own. It is over. Time to move on says my brain.

In May, I called the public adoption agency. I asked if they would even read the paperwork or were we a write off with four kids already in the family. “Definitely not a write off. I like what you bring to the table,” she said. By the time we hung up I was so excited about the possibility of adding a few siblings to our tribe I was dancing.

We filled out forms and more forms. I drove them in so the mail couldn’t slow them down. The next step was an introductory meeting, followed by a course. I waited for a call. I started figuring out our fall schedule so we could attend the course. I called for a date so we could plan our vacation around it. No answer. I drove in to ask. “Don’t worry. We’ll let you know.” I called in again anyway. “Sometime in August. Don’t worry. We’ll let you know.”

We got back from a long weekend and opened an invitation to an introductory meeting that had already happened. I tried not to panic. I called. I left messages with the lady. I drove in to talk to someone. They wrote everything down and said they were sure something would work out. I called again and left a message with the lady’s boss. Then I didn’t call. If God could part the Red Sea, surely He could get a phone call returned.

Every month or so, I want to drive in and make her tell me why. Then I let it go again.

It isn’t meant to be. I try to accept this. Then I hear about a pregnant girl not ready to be a mother and I’m gone. Dreaming. Wondering if maybe this is the child I couldn’t let go of.

I started out to write about forgiving the adoption worker, but I guess this isn’t really about her.

Dear God,

This aching. I hate it. I can’t figure out how to resolve it. I like my life tidy. Dreams exist to be realized, not to gnaw at your insides like a tape worm. Down here, we take medicines to kill tape worms. I want the ache realized or gone. Nothing in between

I am waiting for peace, but it is taking a long time. If you were running a business, you would get hammered on wait times.

I hope the answers and the peace are so good that I forget about everything else once they come. I forgive you for having a different schedule, and not keeping me in the loop on everything. Sometimes it has to be that way with my kids too.

4 Comments to Forgiveness Project Part IV goes in unexpected direction

  1. Erma Joy Cann says:

    No words just prayers ,and love

  2. Rachel Bushnell says:

    You are in my prayers, too.

  3. Carol Ann says:

    It’s so frustrating when people promise to call you back and then they never do. I’m always at a loss as to how to interpret the silence. But, I’m with you. God moves mountains, and prayers are always heard. Sometimes the answer is the most surprising thing!

  4. Leslie Lynch says:

    “If you (God) were running a business, you’d get hammered on wait times.” Leave it to you, Michelle, to find the one bit of humor in a heart-wrenching situation. But you are so right! He’s just asking us to trust Him, just a little today, and then a little bit more tomorrow. I believe you will find the healing you crave, and in the meantime, here’s a great big cyber hug!!!!